"and soon there will be two little smiles to fill my heart"

I don’t think anything could have prepared me for the emotional rollercoaster that is motherhood.

I always saw children in my future, but I wouldn’t say I was particularly maternal towards other children or had a burning desire to be a Mummy. Indy changed everything. 

I got pregnant unexpectedly during lockdown, and whilst she wasn’t planned we were both over the moon.

I am a planner, a researcher and a bit of a control freak. I read books, blogs, joined Facebook pages, bought every recommended product and did all the research I could to try and be “prepared” but the emotional side of becoming a new mummy is really overlooked.

If I thought the hormones were wild during pregnancy, the first few weeks post childbirth were like nothing I had experienced. I cried at every little thing, whether happy or sad! Everything was so overwhelming. And the worry.. why does nobody tell you about the crazy scenarios you create in your mind and the silly things you worry about. 

However the love is completely all consuming. And that’s one thing that really doesn’t change. The hormones slowly calm down, but the love you have for your new little human is unquantifiable. Though unfortunately the worry doesn’t go anywhere either. 

Every day I would beam with pride over the new noises she would make, learning to sit up, her weaning journey, learning to crawl and walk, her first words and her little personality and giggle developing! Even the sass and the tantrums! Sometimes you can’t help but giggle at the attitude! But at the same time you are almost mourning the baby that you’re leaving behind, packing away outgrown clothes and watching old videos on my phone. There have been plenty of tears! 

And if the constant developments and changes in your little ones first year doesn’t keep you on your toes enough, then all of a sudden everything changes again! 

I was pregnant again! The reaction this time round was slightly different.. 

“Oh sh*t”

“Oh my god, two under two, I said I wouldn’t be that mum”

“How will we cope financially?”

“Can I cope with two when my other half works so much?” 

“Aw a sibling for Indy how amazing”

“No, Indy’s my world, I don’t want to change our dynamic”

“Aw they will be so close being so close in age”

My mind was in pieces. The guilt hit me like a tonne of bricks. Was Indy not enough that I was even considering another baby so soon? How could I love another like I love her? Or was it the biggest blessing I could give her in a sibling so close in age? 

It took a few weeks and a few serious conversations, but we eventually got our head around this lovely surprise and started to feel excitement for our pending arrival. Then the guilt hits again in a totally different way. 

The reactions from family didn’t seem as strong the second time, the way I looked after myself slipped when I was so consumed with trying to be Mummy already, I wasn’t as careful with what I was eating, I didn’t document as much of my pregnancy journey on social media, and I always had to check how far gone I was when people asked, when with Indy I knew to the day at any given moment!

I didn’t want this baby to be “second best” or for it to not be as exciting as I’d done it all once before. I didn’t have a nursery to decorate, and we already had so much of what we need, and therefore wasn’t out doing all the new baby shopping that filled me with so much excitement first time round. 

But when all the worrying calms down, and the mum guilt gives me a break, I am so blessed that come August I will have 2 beautiful little girls that will hopefully be best friends for life. I’m sure it will have its challenges but I can’t wait to watch Indy be the best big sister in the world. And all I need in the world right now is seeing her little smile, it makes everything else irrelevant. And soon there will be two little smiles to fill my heart. 

And mum guilt just means that you care and love your children more than the world, and I’m ok with that